How to use the 5 Love Languages to love yourself more

Don’t reserve your use of the 5 Love Languages to purely please other people, learn how to use them to please yourself.

Firstly, have you heard of the 5 Love Languages?

If you have, you’ve most likely heard about the love languages mainly in connection to how you can improve your relationship with others, but I’m more interested in how we can use them to improve our relationships with ourselves. It’s an incredibly insightful concept. I can’t comment on whether it’s had a huge impact on my personal romantic relationship as my partner has still not taken the quiz properly, but, what I can attest to, is that you can use the information to please yourself more.

Pleasing yourself more is something I can definitely get on board with. If you haven’t read any of my previous articles, I specialise in helping people let go of people pleasing and perfectionism so they can create balance in their work and life. It seemed fitting this month – with it being Valentine’s Day and all – to explore how you can use the love languages to help you discover the best ways to prioritise yourself.

I’ll briefly explore each love language and then how you can translate that into the best ways to show yourself love and care based on your love language.

There are 5 Love Languages according to Gary Chapman. If this article piques your interest I highly recommend his book The Five Love Languages. If you don’t already know your love language you can find a link here to a free quiz. I recommend doing this first so your answers aren’t swayed by what you read below but do whatever feels right for you!

You might find that you have a couple that come out on top, I’ve suggested some ways to combine them below as well.

1) Physical touch

Physical touch is about making your body feel good and connecting with your body. There are lots of ways of doing this but here are some suggestions for you:

  • Massages
  • Spa day
  • Soft clothes such as comfy loungewear that feels lovely against your skin and/or cosy slippers
  • Hot bath or shower
  • Taking time for your skincare
  • Dry brushing & Moisturising your body
  • Body movement, particularly things like yin yoga where there is a lot of contact with yourself
2) Acts of service

Acts of service is about doing things for yourself. I think about this a little bit in the sense of doing things your future self will thank you for!

  • Changing your bedsheets
  • Cleaning
  • Making appointments
  • Getting organised and planning ahead
  • Delegating work or personal tasks for example a huge act of self love for you might be arranging a cleaner
 3) Receiving gifts

Receiving gifts is pretty self explanatory; you are treating yourself to things that bring you joy. They don’t have to be expensive, think outside the box.

  • Flowers
  • Chocolates
  • Books
  • Treating yourself to something you want not something you need
  • Investing in yourself in any number of ways, perhaps it is with coaching maybe it’s the car you’ve always dreamed of. Either of those are an investment in your happiness.
4) Quality time

Quality time is about spending quality time alone. Make sure if this is your love language you recognise that it needs to be quality time. You might have spent your day working from home alone, but that is not quality alone time. Fill it with things you love doing.

  • Meditation
  • Reading
  • Journaling
  • Hiking
  • Bingeing on your favourite new show
5) Words of affirmation

Words of affirmation is about encouraging yourself, being your cheerleader, believing in your worth and taking the effort to actually affirm it.

  • Affirmations, an obvious one but it has to be included!
  • Positive self talk, taking a moment to notice if you are speaking harshly to yourself and taking the care to speak to yourself in a way that makes you feel good and loved.
  • Write yourself a love letter
  • Keep praise you have received accessible so that you can access it if you need to.  I have an album in my phone filled with messages and feedback I have received from clients.  Should I ever need it I can choose to give myself a boost that day and fill up my cup.

Personally my love languages are a mix of acts of service, quality time and physical touch. So, for me, planning my week ahead (acts of service) while my bath is running (physical touch) with candles lit and my kindle fully charged (quality time) is one of the best ways I can priortise my needs and make sure I am not trying to fill from an empty cup.

Many of you might find that you are also a combination of a few of the love languages so I’ve shared a few combinations below that you might enjoy!

Physical Touch & Words of Affirmation – repeat your affirmations to yourself while moisturising your body or brushing your hair.

Acts of Service & Quality Time – plan into your diary some solo dates – these could involve taking yourself out for a walk and a coffee or blocking off the time for a at home spa day.

Acts of Service & Gifts – ordering an amazing takeaway ahead of time. You are planning ahead and gifting yourself a meal without having to cook, this could tick a lot of boxes! Note this is planning ahead, not getting to a certain time and realising you haven’t thought about yourself or your needs all day and then panic ordering the first thing that pops up on Deliveroo!

I hope this article has helped you start to understand your love language and the importance of using this information to improve your relationship with yourself first. By understanding your love language you can ensure that the ways you include self care and choose to prioritise yourself are the most effective for you.

Don’t just do what everyone else suggests, don’t just do what I suggest!

Notice what did or didn’t resonate with you and use these examples to help spark more ideas for you.

I’d love to hear your thoughts and feel free to reach out with any questions this may have uncovered for you.

Amelia Kirk

Amelia Kirk

Amelia works with ambitious driven women to help them stop people pleasing and start reclaiming their time to create balance, progress and fulfilment in their work and life.

IG: @ameliakirkcoaching
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